I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
