based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
