the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.