I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
