If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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