Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
