i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
