No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
