I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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