I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen