my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
