I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
