Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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