what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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