careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
