You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
