I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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