I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
