Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
