i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
