he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
