I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
