The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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