Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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