i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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