Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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