Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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