Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
