If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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