My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He had one of those small greek statue penises
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth