I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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