Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
