it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
