True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
