Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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