I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
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Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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