if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
