My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
