You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
