Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
