I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
In America we eat man semen.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
