so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
