Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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