i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
