I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
