just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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