note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
