She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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