So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
