I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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