you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
