i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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