I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
