Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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