Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
