I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
